It Doesn't Suck.

Transylmania

Directed By: David and Scott Hillenbrand

Starring: Oren Skoog, Jennifer Lyons, & Tony Denman

I think years of watching Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer spoof movies have forced me to set the bar really, really, really low for this genre. Because, here is Transylmania, a movie that has about one or two good jokes - really, only one or two jokes that work at all - and yet I actually, to my intense surprise, didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. In fact...and this is really hard for me to say...I actually kinda want to watch it again. I know, I know, I know, I gave it one and a half stars, and my biggest compliment is that "it doesn't suck," but, by golly, when compared to other recent movies of the same ilk, it practically looks like Citizen Kane. I'll tell you why I appreciated it. I liked the fact that it had the cajones to be a spoof movie that was unapologetically R-rated, that it didn't try to pretend to be kid-friendy to make money (and it didn't...make money, that is), and that it actually dares to at least try. Sure, most of the jokes fall flat, but there are actually real jokes here, and that is more than I can say about Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, or whatever other movies by the Friedberg/Seltzer calamity I've endured for the past few years. So, yeah, Transylmania isn't good and I don't recommend that you spend your hard-earned money or precious time watching it...but that doesn't mean that, somewhere in the darkest recesses of my bad-movie-loving mind, I didn't somewhat like it.

I just learned that Transylmania is actually the third installment in the direct-to-disc Dorm Daze movies, movies that I have never seen and have no desire to see. I have no earthly idea what the studio was thinking when they decided that this one should be the first to open in theaters...and, obviously, neither did audiences, as Transylmania grossed, get this, just under $400,000 (no, I didn't forget a zero) and only stuck around for two weeks before being quickly shuffled out of theaters. Its box-office failure is made only more embarrassing by the fact that it had a fairly-generous 1,007 theater opening. I say all of this because Transylmania would have probably played better as a direct-to-disc movie; I can't possibly imagine paying ten bucks (or, in New York, $20) to see this movie, but I can certainly understand spending a measly two dollars to rent it at Blockbuster and enjoying it in the comfort of my own home...preferably with some hard liquor in hand. For the record, I don't drink...but Transylmania is one of those movies that make me wish I did, because I can assure you that it will actually be much better if its viewers are at least a little bit tipsy. Some of you drunkards out there are probably getting really excited. Don't let me get your hopes too high, though.

This is the time when I should probably describe the plot to you...but there isn't one or, rather, there isn't enough of one to really waste your time or mine. But, for the sake of tradition, I'll give you a brief rundown. Basically, a bunch of stupid college kids decide to spend a semester taking classes at a vampire-infested college in Romania. And that about wraps it up. There's some other stuff about a vampire's soul in a music box and a man creating a new body for his hunchbacked daughter, but it's all so stupid, I won't...no, I refuse to go into it anymore than that. Spoof movies don't necessarily need good plots to be good so to say that Transylmania's plot is lame is rather irrelevant. I surely hope that no one will go into this movie, with its atrocious title and uninspired marketing campaign (which was far more painful than the movie is, I assure you), expecting any ounce of greatness. It really could have been a legitimately good movie...I mean, the Scary Movie franchise has managed to be one of the few sets of spoofs movies that I will actually admit to liking in front of my friends...but it isn't and it's lameness has very little to do with its plot...or its actors...or its technical elements. Its because, for the most part, it just isn't funny. The other problem is because it was filmed in 2007. With Twilight and True Blood turning vampires into a full-blown pop culture phenomenon (Thank you, Twilight DVD case, for that quote), you would expect some nods to those powerhouses. Alas, there are none, thus making Transylmania feel unfunny and, even worse, completely irrelevant.

So, if Transylmania isn't any good, why did I spend that entire first paragraph half-heartedly defending it? Well, because there is a real effort behind its failings that made me actually invest in it. The actors are really trying to be funny (and, fortunately, most of them are), the screenwriters are really trying to be funny (and, unfortunately, most of them aren't), and the movie seems to be consistently aware that it is probably failing as it goes along. This is one of the few movies that has a cast and crew who, despite working on a movie that is undeniably dead-on-arrival, actually try to make it something more. The sad thing is that the screenwriters clearly don't know how to write a good comedy and, thus, their script relies solely on the efforts of the cast. I think that is why it actually worked for me. This is a funny group of people and they are perfectly willing to humiliate themselves for a laugh. I found myself laughing consistently at their deliveries of the jokes, if not the jokes themselves. Sadly, I can't recommend this movie to you and I can't bring myself to give it any better than the star rating above, though even I will admit my rating is misleading. You see, I probably enjoyed it more than that score suggests, and you will probably enjoy it a lot less. So, let's just meet somewhere in the middle and agree to live and let live. That's probably best.