It Doesn't Suck.

Transylmania

Directed By: David and Scott Hillenbrand

Starring: Oren Skoog, Jennifer Lyons, & Tony Denman

I think years of watching Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer spoof movies have forced me to set the bar really, really, really low for this genre. Because, here is Transylmania, a movie that has about one or two good jokes - really, only one or two jokes that work at all - and yet I actually, to my intense surprise, didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. In fact...and this is really hard for me to say...I actually kinda want to watch it again. I know, I know, I know, I gave it one and a half stars, and my biggest compliment is that "it doesn't suck," but, by golly, when compared to other recent movies of the same ilk, it practically looks like Citizen Kane. I'll tell you why I appreciated it. I liked the fact that it had the cajones to be a spoof movie that was unapologetically R-rated, that it didn't try to pretend to be kid-friendy to make money (and it didn't...make money, that is), and that it actually dares to at least try. Sure, most of the jokes fall flat, but there are actually real jokes here, and that is more than I can say about Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, or whatever other movies by the Friedberg/Seltzer calamity I've endured for the past few years. So, yeah, Transylmania isn't good and I don't recommend that you spend your hard-earned money or precious time watching it...but that doesn't mean that, somewhere in the darkest recesses of my bad-movie-loving mind, I didn't somewhat like it.

"Spread" Puts Out Too Early.

Spread

Directed By: David Mackenzie

Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Anne Heche, & Margarita Levieva

Like many movies, Spread begins on the right foot. It introduces us to the undeniably despicable Nikki (Ashton Kutcher), a man who is vile but with the slight potential to become something better. He moved to Los Angeles because he was good-looking and hoped to live a life of luxury without having to work...because, you know, he is pretty and pretty people don't need to work. He hits on rich single women, like the blatantly naive Samantha (Anne Heche), who then invite him to live with them, buying him all sorts of fancy things. Basically, he's a prostitute, but he's too arrogant to admit it. Moving in with Samantha in her beautiful home and having her buy him heaps of designer clothes, he seems to have everything he could want...but then he gets even more selfish. And, when he gets selfish, Spread falls apart. You see, up to that point, the movie actually has a narrative; it's telling a compelling, albeit repugnant, story and it's telling it well. But then, that story arc is taken away and, in its place, we get...well, nothing really. This leaves Spread spinning its wheels for the rest of its runtime, not really going anywhere and not giving us any reason to stay behind. It does everything it possibly can with what it has far too early. Basically, to give you an idea of the problem, it's like during sex, when a guy...well, I think you get the idea.

What Makes a Mother?

The Blind Side

Directed By: John Lee Hancock

Starring: Sandra Bullock, Tim McGraw, & Quinton Aaron

Leigh Anne Tuohy is the kind of person you wouldn't think could really exist if she didn't. She is commanding; deeply caring, but not in an overt way; controlling, but in a good way; and very funny. She is the kind of person who, I imagine, is very difficult to accurately play. There is the constant danger of becoming too over-the-top and losing the undeniable charm that the actual Leigh Anne Tuohy has. Because beneath her tough exterior, from all implications, she is a wonderful mother who is much more compassionate than she would like you to believe. There has been much discussion of whether or not Sandra Bullock really deserved the Oscar she won for this movie; some say that the Academy only rewarded her because of her long, beloved career and because this would probably be the only time she would ever be up for such an award (Miss Congeniality, as funny as it is, isn't really Oscar material). Hogwash, I say. If you have ever seen Leigh Anne Tuohy in an interview (YouTube has some, I'm sure), then you will see that Sandra Bullock so effortlessly slips into the role, capturing all of the complexities of a woman who is so outlandish that she seems completely impossible. It's a challenging role that would have been easy to screw up, but Bullock nails it.

Not as Lovely as Expected

The Lovely Bones

Directed By: Peter Jackson

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Stanley Tucci, & Saoirse Ronan

The problem with The Lovely Bones is not that it is necessarily a bad movie, but that it is not as good as it should be. It has a top-notch cast, a colorful assembly of Academy Award nominees and winners. It has Peter Jackson as a director...yes, the same Jackson who simultaneously gave both fanboys and hardened critics a wet dream with his brilliantly-crafted Lord of the Rings trilogy. It also has a dark, but much-beloved book by Alice Sebold as its basis. The Oscar buzz for this movie was extremely high...until, you know, people actually saw it. Then, it was only Stanley Tucci who came off with any degree of attention; he would later receive some of the best reviews of his career and then get a much-deserved Oscar nomination. The movie, itself, however, did not receive such acclaim. Having now seen it, I can certainly understand why. It is riddled with problems, problems that threaten to completely sink it in the very first act and then are rectified, at least in part, by the end. The biggest problem of all: Peter Jackson's blatant self-indulgence. He gets so carried away with the visual effects, some of them rather hokey, that the movie is bogged down by its own extravagance. What should have been a 90-minute drama about a grieving family turns into a 2-hour...well, I don't really know what it is. It sure is pretty to look at, though.

Just Watch the Trailer

Armored

Directed By: Nimród Antal

Starring: Matt Dillon, Columbus Short, & Milo Ventimiglia

Trailers can often make or break a movie. You might not think that a two-minute stretch of seconds-long clips taken from a 90-minute movie would be able to harm the finished product, but you would be wrong. Case in point: Armored, a movie that might have been all right had I not seen its trailer in front of nearly every action movie I saw in theaters for the last half of 2009. The trailer, jam-packed with action scenes and big-bang explosives, establishes Armored as a heavy-hitting action thriller, the kind that would have you on the edge of your seat from beginning to end and leave you feeling breathless. That, my friends, is not what this movie is. That is what it tries to be, but it misses the mark so badly that it becomes almost tedious to endure. Every action scene in this movie is included, to some degree, in the trailer; every plot point and every twist are spelled out with painstaking detail in the trailer as well. When the credits rolled, I sat back and compared the movie with the trailer. I realized that both told the same story with the same amount of action, but that the trailer did it in just a few minutes, not just under an hour and a half. I hate to admit that Armored, in many ways, was just completely misguided from the get-go, because I had actually developed high expectations for it. In the end, though, it's a complete disappointment.

He Just Wants to Be Loved.

Dare

Directed By: Adam Salky

Starring: Emmy Rossum, Zach Gilford, & Ashley Springer

I'm going to get the messy part of this review out of the way early, by going ahead to explain why I didn't give Dare a perfect four stars. Ironically, in order to start there, I must begin at the movie's ending. It is far too abrupt, ending before we have proper closure for any of the characters we have grown to love. I understand that the producers wanted to leave it rather open-ended and up to our own interpretation, but I didn't find there to be enough evidence to help the audience create their own conclusion. Whew, with that said, I can go on to tell you all about the rest of this movie, a movie that I actually loved more than I ever expected to. It is a low-budget independent feature that tells a rather conventional story in a fresh, vibrant, and intriguing way. It is no surprise that, with talent like Emmy Rossum and Zach Gilford, Dare is mostly aided by its cast. Gilford, especially, takes the forefront and stands out prominently. A relatively-unknown actor who has mostly done supporting and television work, he gives the kind of performance that could have jettisoned him instantly into stardom had Dare earned the attention it so fully deserved. Instead, I imagine, it will be one of the performances that, after he achieves A-list status (and, I can assure you, that will happen soon), we will all look back upon and say, "Man, how did we miss him for so long?"

Sex, the City, and Showtunes

The Big Gay Musical

Directed By: Casper Andreas & Fred M. Caruso

Starring: Daniel Robinson, Joey Dudding, & Jeff Metzler

It is no secret that gay cinema has been in a slump ever since Brokeback Mountain proved that it could be bankable; most gay-oriented movies are packed with handsome young men in varying states of undress, but lack fully-developed stories...or even stories at all. The Big Gay Musical has those aforementioned men (as seen above), but it is more than just eye candy. Telling the story of a new off-Broadway production called Adam and Steve Just the Way God Made 'Em, it is an uproariously funny movie that broadly covers a variety of issues, from the spread of HIV to the religious conspiracy to convert homosexuals. The play being put on in the movie states that, because Adam and Eve were bad and ate the fruit that God forbade them from eating, God went back to the drawing board and created Adam and Steve. They were cultured, handsome, and liked art...and their favor from God made Eve angry. She decided to write a book talking about how much God hates the gays...and, best of all, she says, five-thousand years later, they won't even know who wrote it! I'll give you one guess what book that is. You see, beneath the fluffy exterior and pretty boys that populate this movie, it has a strong bite behind its humor and, with its aim set firmly on religious wingnuts and the ex-gay movement, it starts attacking and rarely lets up.

There's Still Some Magic in Disney.

The Princess and the Frog

Directed By: Ron Clements & John Musker

Starring: Anika Noni Rose, Bruno Campos, & Keith David

I have truly missed movies like The Princess and the Frog...no, not because it is a return to the classic hand-drawn animation that made Disney so wonderful. Certainly, that is an added bonus; watching a movie brought to life without all of the bothersome 3D or slick (but now overused) computer-generated animation is simply refreshing. I felt like a kid again. But, that isn't what makes this movie so special. What makes it come alive is that it is an animated movie, perfectly appropriate for children and their parents, that is every bit as charming and lovely as it should be. This movie, so beautifully drawn, is a throwback to a simpler time, when family movies were made to actually tell stories rather than to sell products. The story is reminiscent of other classic Disney princess stories. Tiana (voiced by Anika Noni Rose) is a young woman living in a poor section of New Orleans. The daughter of an aspiring restaurant owner who died in war before his dream could come true, Tiana wants nothing more out of life than to fulfill her father's dream and open up the most beautiful and elegant restaurant in the entire city. Working two jobs and saving every penny she makes in tips, she finds her dream even more unobtainable when the amount she needs to rent a building is suddenly raised. All of that changes when Prince Naveen (voiced by Bruno Campos), a prince who was just cut off by his parents for his philandering ways and bad boy antics, comes to town looking for a wealthy bride.

Education Comes from Many Places

An Education

Directed By: Lone Scherfig

Starring: Carey Mulligan, Peter Sarsgaard, & Alfred Molina

I imagine that watching An Education is about as close to watching your own daughter make the same mistakes as Carey Mulligan's Jenny as you can get without actually having a daughter. You will feel angry, sad, and frustrated, but it is worth it. An Education is a marvelous movie, elegant and poignant. It follows Jenny, a naive sixteen year old schoolgirl who feels stifled by her strict father (Alfred Molina) and her schooling. She wants to have fun, to listen to French music, and to attend nice concerts. When a charming, but older man named David (Peter Sarsgaard) happens upon her one day and offers her a ride, she is immediately smitten. He invites her to a concert, introduces her to all of his interesting friends, and promises to bring her to Paris with him. She knows that this is just what she needs and wants out of life...and even her parents, however intelligent they might be, are charmed by David, who has a way of making them agree to anything, usually by insisting that his Aunt Helen will be their chaperon. I'll give you a little hint; he doesn't have an Aunt Helen and, even if he did, I doubt she would be accompanying them on their overnight trip to Oxford. Alas, Jenny's parents fall for it hook, line, and sinker. Obviously, we know better. We know Jenny should be more cautious...but, then again, David isn't winking at us, is he?

Using His Gift With Grace

Nine

Directed By: Rob Marshall

Starring: Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, & Penelope Cruz

Nine is every bit as glitzy and glamorous as you might expect from director Rob Marshall. Based on the Tony-winning Broadway play of the same name, it is beautiful and utterly theatrical, giving its audience the feeling that they are sitting in the front row of a lavish stage production. Daniel Day-Lewis stars as Guido Contini, a brilliant film director facing a life crisis just ten days before the production of his new movie is set to begin. He has no script...no story...and no scheme for getting either. At the same time, he is conflicted by the many beautiful women in his life: his long-suffering wife, Luisa (Marion Cotillard); his desperate mistress, Carla (Penelope Cruz); his wise costume designer, Lilli (Judi Dench); a hotshot reporter named Stephanie (Kate Hudson); his muse and beloved star, Claudia (Nicole Kidman); and his deceased mother (Sophia Loren), who haunts him. Guido has created a complex web in his life, and Nine follows him as he reaches a crossroads that will make it impossible for him to continue living as he has for years. But, for a man who has always had everything and only ever wants more than what he has, the idea of losing something is enough to drive him crazy.

Hope in the Face of Unyielding Tragedy

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Directed By: Lee Daniels

Starring: Gabourey Sidibe, Mo'Nique, & Paula Patton

You can tell you are watching a great movie if, at the end, you realize that you never need to see another movie with a similar story. Sure, you'll watch them...but you don't need to see them, because you have already seen the best execution of that story imaginable. Such is the case with Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. Never again will I need to see a movie about an underprivileged inner-city teenager trying to overcome unimaginable adversity. Precious has told that story so well, that I am sure no future movie will ever be able to tell it quite as admirably. It is an emotional, devastating, and unrelenting movie that is courageous because of its unabashed determination to tell a story that needs to be told. It does not sugarcoat it and, for that reason, some viewers will not be able to handle it. But, I encourage all of you, even the most hesitant, to please try. The story is every bit as dark as you would probably suspect, but there is an unexpected element that, despite being often overshadowed by brutal scenes of abuse and heartache, remains firmly in place. In the midst of great tragedy, it can be hard to see or notice, but it is there and its presence is the reason Precious works so well. That element, my friends, is hope.