It Doesn't Suck.

Transylmania

Directed By: David and Scott Hillenbrand

Starring: Oren Skoog, Jennifer Lyons, & Tony Denman

I think years of watching Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer spoof movies have forced me to set the bar really, really, really low for this genre. Because, here is Transylmania, a movie that has about one or two good jokes - really, only one or two jokes that work at all - and yet I actually, to my intense surprise, didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. In fact...and this is really hard for me to say...I actually kinda want to watch it again. I know, I know, I know, I gave it one and a half stars, and my biggest compliment is that "it doesn't suck," but, by golly, when compared to other recent movies of the same ilk, it practically looks like Citizen Kane. I'll tell you why I appreciated it. I liked the fact that it had the cajones to be a spoof movie that was unapologetically R-rated, that it didn't try to pretend to be kid-friendy to make money (and it didn't...make money, that is), and that it actually dares to at least try. Sure, most of the jokes fall flat, but there are actually real jokes here, and that is more than I can say about Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, or whatever other movies by the Friedberg/Seltzer calamity I've endured for the past few years. So, yeah, Transylmania isn't good and I don't recommend that you spend your hard-earned money or precious time watching it...but that doesn't mean that, somewhere in the darkest recesses of my bad-movie-loving mind, I didn't somewhat like it.

Throw Away the Key.

Shutter Island

Directed By: Martin Scorsese

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Ruffalo, & Ben Kingsley

Shutter Island is the kind of thriller I like. It has a story to tell, it has interesting characters that populate it, and it always knows something that we don't...even though it is basically screaming the truth from the very first frame. It begins with these ominous musical notes that are simultaneously booming and yet subtle, setting the stage for a very dark movie. Play the movie on mute and I suspect that much of its tension will be lost. We meet Teddy Daniels and Chuck Aule (Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo, respectively), two investigators who have been called to Ashecliffe, a mental hospital located on the decidedly dangerous-looking Shutter Island. Faintly reminiscent of Alcatraz (or, for the Harry Potter fans, Azkaban), it is the kind of place that looks like it could drive sane men crazy and crazy men...well, even crazier. Had Shutter Island been directed by a less capable director than Martin Scorsese (And, really, who isn't less capable than him?), I think Ashecliffe would have come off looking hokey...but Scorsese wisely commands the opening scenes, filling them with foreboding shots of the journey Teddy and Chuck make into Ashecliffe. It is as though we are being led inside...taken to the mysterious hospital...plunged into the nightmare.

The Line Between Right and Wrong

Splice

Directed By: Vincenzo Natali

Starring: Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley, & Delphine Chanéac

Splice is bound to be a divisive movie; if you take a group of your friends, I imagine that you will be evenly split into those that will like it and those that will hate it. In fact, I suspect that there will be some of you who will love it and leave the theater proudly proclaiming that it is the savior of the long-ailing horror genre. Now, I'm going to splice all of these reactions together (See what I did there?) and come up with a more accurate response. Splice is certainly fearless and surprising, thus making some people think that it's great. Splice is also consistently entertaining, thus appealling to people on a more basic level as well. But, Splice is also rather simplistic and obviously-manufactured, which is why some people will hate it. Blend all of this stuff together and wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am you have an above-average science fiction thriller that is entertaining, but not even remotely as groundbreaking as it should be. I know that that will disappoint some of you, but it's true. The good news is that Splice is so convinced it's important and unique that it just might convince you of it too, what with the abundant discussions of ethics in science and all. But, I point you in the direction of Deep Blue Sea, a movie that posed similar questions, but had the guilt-filled benefit of super smart sharks. And when I can justly compare an all-too-serious science fiction thriller with a movie about intelligent fish that starred LL Cool J, you know there's something not quite right with it all.

"Spread" Puts Out Too Early.

Spread

Directed By: David Mackenzie

Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Anne Heche, & Margarita Levieva

Like many movies, Spread begins on the right foot. It introduces us to the undeniably despicable Nikki (Ashton Kutcher), a man who is vile but with the slight potential to become something better. He moved to Los Angeles because he was good-looking and hoped to live a life of luxury without having to work...because, you know, he is pretty and pretty people don't need to work. He hits on rich single women, like the blatantly naive Samantha (Anne Heche), who then invite him to live with them, buying him all sorts of fancy things. Basically, he's a prostitute, but he's too arrogant to admit it. Moving in with Samantha in her beautiful home and having her buy him heaps of designer clothes, he seems to have everything he could want...but then he gets even more selfish. And, when he gets selfish, Spread falls apart. You see, up to that point, the movie actually has a narrative; it's telling a compelling, albeit repugnant, story and it's telling it well. But then, that story arc is taken away and, in its place, we get...well, nothing really. This leaves Spread spinning its wheels for the rest of its runtime, not really going anywhere and not giving us any reason to stay behind. It does everything it possibly can with what it has far too early. Basically, to give you an idea of the problem, it's like during sex, when a guy...well, I think you get the idea.

A Rom-Com with a Body Count

Killers

Directed By: Robert Luketic

Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, & Tom Sellek

I like good romantic comedies, and I'm not naive enough to think that there are many original approaches to the subgenre left. I get so sick of critics saying that a new romantic comedy is cliched, stereotypical, or unoriginal. Of course, they are! There are only so many ways for a couple to meet, fall in love, break up, and then get back together in the last act...and there have been hundreds, if not thousands, of romantic comedies over the years, each trying to stand out from the rest in some way. Frankly, critics' excuses for hating this kind of movie are even more tired than the most worn-out of romantic comedy. But, let's be fair, most new romantic comedies suck, even if you don't account for how much they borrow from previously-made movies. They suck because their screenplays are lifeless, their casts are uninspired, and they are filmed with all the gusto of brick wall. The movies lack inspiration because the filmmakers clearly aren't aiming to make anything more than a stereotypical rom-com; consider it a self-fulfilling prophesy, if you will. And, my friends, making a stereotypical romantic comedy and not caring because you expect to make a stereotypical romantic comedy are two very different things. Take for example, Killers, cliched and relatively by-the numbers, but entertaining and worth-a-watch because the filmmakers dare to have a little fun with the subgenre and to actually try to make a good movie.

What Makes a Mother?

The Blind Side

Directed By: John Lee Hancock

Starring: Sandra Bullock, Tim McGraw, & Quinton Aaron

Leigh Anne Tuohy is the kind of person you wouldn't think could really exist if she didn't. She is commanding; deeply caring, but not in an overt way; controlling, but in a good way; and very funny. She is the kind of person who, I imagine, is very difficult to accurately play. There is the constant danger of becoming too over-the-top and losing the undeniable charm that the actual Leigh Anne Tuohy has. Because beneath her tough exterior, from all implications, she is a wonderful mother who is much more compassionate than she would like you to believe. There has been much discussion of whether or not Sandra Bullock really deserved the Oscar she won for this movie; some say that the Academy only rewarded her because of her long, beloved career and because this would probably be the only time she would ever be up for such an award (Miss Congeniality, as funny as it is, isn't really Oscar material). Hogwash, I say. If you have ever seen Leigh Anne Tuohy in an interview (YouTube has some, I'm sure), then you will see that Sandra Bullock so effortlessly slips into the role, capturing all of the complexities of a woman who is so outlandish that she seems completely impossible. It's a challenging role that would have been easy to screw up, but Bullock nails it.

Not as Lovely as Expected

The Lovely Bones

Directed By: Peter Jackson

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Stanley Tucci, & Saoirse Ronan

The problem with The Lovely Bones is not that it is necessarily a bad movie, but that it is not as good as it should be. It has a top-notch cast, a colorful assembly of Academy Award nominees and winners. It has Peter Jackson as a director...yes, the same Jackson who simultaneously gave both fanboys and hardened critics a wet dream with his brilliantly-crafted Lord of the Rings trilogy. It also has a dark, but much-beloved book by Alice Sebold as its basis. The Oscar buzz for this movie was extremely high...until, you know, people actually saw it. Then, it was only Stanley Tucci who came off with any degree of attention; he would later receive some of the best reviews of his career and then get a much-deserved Oscar nomination. The movie, itself, however, did not receive such acclaim. Having now seen it, I can certainly understand why. It is riddled with problems, problems that threaten to completely sink it in the very first act and then are rectified, at least in part, by the end. The biggest problem of all: Peter Jackson's blatant self-indulgence. He gets so carried away with the visual effects, some of them rather hokey, that the movie is bogged down by its own extravagance. What should have been a 90-minute drama about a grieving family turns into a 2-hour...well, I don't really know what it is. It sure is pretty to look at, though.

Show Me Your Teeth

Daybreakers

Directed By: Michael & Peter Spierig

Starring: Ethan Hawke, Willem Dafoe, & Sam Neill

Vampires are definitely in style right now, what with True Blood mesmerizing television audiences and The Twilight Saga burning up the box-office. It is no surprise then that some filmmakers would swoop in to take advantage of such success, each hoping to snatch a little piece of the prize. And thus we arrive at Daybreakers, a movie written and directed by the Spierig brothers. Let me start off by saying that these two definitely know how to direct a stylish movie. Daybreakers simply looks phenomenal, with sleek production styles and halfway-decent special effects. Unfortunately, my compliments will, for the most part, end there. Other than that, Daybreakers is fairly awful. You can tell right from the get-go that this movie is only about vampires because, right now, vampires are profitable. Its basic plot, which features a world so overrun by vampires that human blood has become scarce, seems creative at first, until you realize that it is really a one-trick pony, developed as a flimsy facade to make audiences think they will actually be seeing a full-fledged story. Instead, they will actually be sitting through a concept that never fully takes off...though, I must admit, it's a pretty neat concept for the opening act.

Fun, Frivolous, and Downright Fabulous

Sex and the City 2

Directed By: Michael Patrick King

Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, & Cynthia Nixon

Critics have not been too kind to Sex and the City 2. Now, normally, I don't pay much attention to critics or their reviews. There is only one opinion that matters to me and that is my own. I do read Roger Ebert's reviews, as his writing is simply brilliant, and I also read a little-known critic named Dustin Putnam, whose unabashed courage in reviewing is very admirable (You can visit him at http://www.themovieboy.com/). Other than that, though, I don't really give a damn. Alas, I have been fascinated by the reviews of this movie, as so many of them are packed with a venom usually reserved for remakes of old horror movies. I'm not sure why, though I would be willing to bet it could have something to do with the recent economic downturn. Critics, not surprisingly, have been hit hard, as their jobs are not, you know, crucial to the survival of our species. It must then be rather demoralizing to watch a movie like Sex and the City 2 that features characters who, though they do discuss the recession in passing, seem to have only become richer and richer since the first movie. When one character bemoans the fact that she wasn't able to sell her second apartment in Manhattan because of the housing crisis and thus must simply hold on to it for frivolous uses here and there, even I have to admit that it could be interpreted as rather insulting.

The Tin Man Strikes Back

Iron Man 2

Directed By: Jon Favreau

Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, & Mickey Rourke

For those of you who are wondering, no, Iron Man 2 is not as good as its wonderful predecessor, a movie that helped launch the comic book subgenre into legitimacy. The good news, my friends: it is actually a good movie, anyway. It ramps up the action two-fold and introduces a slew of intriguing new characters, all well-played by the new additions to the cast, including the likes of Mickey Rourke and Scarlett Johansson. But, for all that it adds to its storyline, it loses a little bit of the heart and soul that made the first Iron Man an unexpected critical and commercial success back in 2008. Though it starts off on a pitch-perfect note by immediately reintroducing us into the charming life of Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) and maintains its momentum for a while, shortly after the first showdown between Stark and this movie's signature villain, Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke), at a soon-to-be-destroyed racetrack, Iron Man 2 hits a wall of sorts that leads it into a noticeably drab slump for the duration of its bulky mid-section. Fortunately for Stark and company, it regains its footing well enough in advance to conclude with a literal bang, an ending that is bigger and better than that of Iron Man in just about every way imaginable and lets the audience leave on a high note that will surely stick with them more than the slightly disappointing middle.

Like a Dagger to My Heart

The Descent: Part 2

Directed By: Jon Harris

Starring: Shauna Macdonald, Natalie Mendoza, & Krysten Cummings

It is not an exaggeration to say that The Descent is probably the best horror movie of the last decade. It was a brilliantly scary and emotionally compelling movie that single-handedly upped the ante for modern horror. When it was announced that a sequel would be made, I was immediately hesitant. After all, Neil Marshall's masterful original (with the original ending, not the dreadful American edit) was so wonderfully self-contained. It told a story that had a perfect beginning, a perfect middle, and a perfect ending. When I learned that the sequel would not have Neil Marshall involved as writer or director (he did both for The Descent) and that it would inexplicably use the American ending as a basis, I was dismayed. Already, my relationship with The Descent: Part 2 had hit a snag. But being the die hard fan of the original that I am, I was determined to make my relationship with this sequel work somehow. I rewatched the original ahead of time, reminding myself just how flawless it really is, and then headed into this movie with a sense of dread. By the time we witness one of the cave creatures pooping into a pool of excrement that contains the two main characters, it was safe to say that I was finished with everything about this sequel. By the time the atrocious ending, which promises yet another unwanted sequel, kicked into play, I was clawing my eyeballs out of my head.

Just Watch the Trailer

Armored

Directed By: Nimród Antal

Starring: Matt Dillon, Columbus Short, & Milo Ventimiglia

Trailers can often make or break a movie. You might not think that a two-minute stretch of seconds-long clips taken from a 90-minute movie would be able to harm the finished product, but you would be wrong. Case in point: Armored, a movie that might have been all right had I not seen its trailer in front of nearly every action movie I saw in theaters for the last half of 2009. The trailer, jam-packed with action scenes and big-bang explosives, establishes Armored as a heavy-hitting action thriller, the kind that would have you on the edge of your seat from beginning to end and leave you feeling breathless. That, my friends, is not what this movie is. That is what it tries to be, but it misses the mark so badly that it becomes almost tedious to endure. Every action scene in this movie is included, to some degree, in the trailer; every plot point and every twist are spelled out with painstaking detail in the trailer as well. When the credits rolled, I sat back and compared the movie with the trailer. I realized that both told the same story with the same amount of action, but that the trailer did it in just a few minutes, not just under an hour and a half. I hate to admit that Armored, in many ways, was just completely misguided from the get-go, because I had actually developed high expectations for it. In the end, though, it's a complete disappointment.

He Just Wants to Be Loved.

Dare

Directed By: Adam Salky

Starring: Emmy Rossum, Zach Gilford, & Ashley Springer

I'm going to get the messy part of this review out of the way early, by going ahead to explain why I didn't give Dare a perfect four stars. Ironically, in order to start there, I must begin at the movie's ending. It is far too abrupt, ending before we have proper closure for any of the characters we have grown to love. I understand that the producers wanted to leave it rather open-ended and up to our own interpretation, but I didn't find there to be enough evidence to help the audience create their own conclusion. Whew, with that said, I can go on to tell you all about the rest of this movie, a movie that I actually loved more than I ever expected to. It is a low-budget independent feature that tells a rather conventional story in a fresh, vibrant, and intriguing way. It is no surprise that, with talent like Emmy Rossum and Zach Gilford, Dare is mostly aided by its cast. Gilford, especially, takes the forefront and stands out prominently. A relatively-unknown actor who has mostly done supporting and television work, he gives the kind of performance that could have jettisoned him instantly into stardom had Dare earned the attention it so fully deserved. Instead, I imagine, it will be one of the performances that, after he achieves A-list status (and, I can assure you, that will happen soon), we will all look back upon and say, "Man, how did we miss him for so long?"

Sex, the City, and Showtunes

The Big Gay Musical

Directed By: Casper Andreas & Fred M. Caruso

Starring: Daniel Robinson, Joey Dudding, & Jeff Metzler

It is no secret that gay cinema has been in a slump ever since Brokeback Mountain proved that it could be bankable; most gay-oriented movies are packed with handsome young men in varying states of undress, but lack fully-developed stories...or even stories at all. The Big Gay Musical has those aforementioned men (as seen above), but it is more than just eye candy. Telling the story of a new off-Broadway production called Adam and Steve Just the Way God Made 'Em, it is an uproariously funny movie that broadly covers a variety of issues, from the spread of HIV to the religious conspiracy to convert homosexuals. The play being put on in the movie states that, because Adam and Eve were bad and ate the fruit that God forbade them from eating, God went back to the drawing board and created Adam and Steve. They were cultured, handsome, and liked art...and their favor from God made Eve angry. She decided to write a book talking about how much God hates the gays...and, best of all, she says, five-thousand years later, they won't even know who wrote it! I'll give you one guess what book that is. You see, beneath the fluffy exterior and pretty boys that populate this movie, it has a strong bite behind its humor and, with its aim set firmly on religious wingnuts and the ex-gay movement, it starts attacking and rarely lets up.

Thank God for Adams and Goode

Leap Year

Directed By: Anand Tucker

Starring: Amy Adams, Matthew Goode, & Adam Scott

I have never understood characters that stalk off into unfamiliar terrain just because they are mad or upset...as though getting lost and possibly maimed or killed will somehow win them justice in the end. In Leap Year, Amy Adams huffs around so much that you begin to think she should permanently trade in her high heels for a nice pair of Skechers Shape-Ups. She is in Ireland, a place we learn is not as idyllic as it looks; there are ruggedly handsome jerks and boozers who steal luggage for no apparent reason. The last time I checked, the value of a bra depreciates significantly once it's worn, but I digress. Leap Year, written by Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont, has a really lame script. It isn't particularly funny or creative, and its narrative structure is poor to say the least...but, gosh darn it, the movie manages to make it work anyway. That is because of Amy Adams and Matthew Goode, both of whom are as charming as ever. They are two great actors simply slumming it in an old-fashioned romantic comedy, the quickest and easiest way in Hollywood to earn all-too-important box-office clout. It's kind of unfortunate to watch them give such good performances in an otherwise disappointing movie, but it's also kind of remarkable that they alone can make such material undeniably watchable...even enjoyable.

There's Still Some Magic in Disney.

The Princess and the Frog

Directed By: Ron Clements & John Musker

Starring: Anika Noni Rose, Bruno Campos, & Keith David

I have truly missed movies like The Princess and the Frog...no, not because it is a return to the classic hand-drawn animation that made Disney so wonderful. Certainly, that is an added bonus; watching a movie brought to life without all of the bothersome 3D or slick (but now overused) computer-generated animation is simply refreshing. I felt like a kid again. But, that isn't what makes this movie so special. What makes it come alive is that it is an animated movie, perfectly appropriate for children and their parents, that is every bit as charming and lovely as it should be. This movie, so beautifully drawn, is a throwback to a simpler time, when family movies were made to actually tell stories rather than to sell products. The story is reminiscent of other classic Disney princess stories. Tiana (voiced by Anika Noni Rose) is a young woman living in a poor section of New Orleans. The daughter of an aspiring restaurant owner who died in war before his dream could come true, Tiana wants nothing more out of life than to fulfill her father's dream and open up the most beautiful and elegant restaurant in the entire city. Working two jobs and saving every penny she makes in tips, she finds her dream even more unobtainable when the amount she needs to rent a building is suddenly raised. All of that changes when Prince Naveen (voiced by Bruno Campos), a prince who was just cut off by his parents for his philandering ways and bad boy antics, comes to town looking for a wealthy bride.

One...Two...Freddy's Coming for You

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Directed By: Samuel Bayer

Starring: Jackie Earle Haley, Rooney Mara, & Katie Cassidy

The idea that Wes Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street needed a remake is blasphemous to many movie fans, including myself. Having seen it a countless number of times over the years, I have practically memorized every scene, even every line. It's not surprising that someone would want to remake it, though I cannot figure out why they wouldn't have chosen to make another sequel instead. Back in 2003 (which isn't that long ago, even in the film industry), Freddy Vs. Jason grossed approximately $82 million domestically. For those of you keeping score at home, that is $18 million more than the Platinum Dunes remake of Friday the 13th made just last year. Alas, a remake has been made; Michael Bay produced it and Samuel Bayer directed it. They replaced the beloved Robert Englund with Jackie Earle Haley in the infamous role of Freddy Krueger, and cast the relatively unknown Rooney Mara in the role of Nancy Thompson, now inexplicably renamed as Nancy Holbrook. The end product is about what I expected. I didn't go into this expecting a revolutionary remake that somehow transcended its predecessor, because that just wasn't possible. I expected an entertaining, well-made horror movie, and that is exactly what I got.

Education Comes from Many Places

An Education

Directed By: Lone Scherfig

Starring: Carey Mulligan, Peter Sarsgaard, & Alfred Molina

I imagine that watching An Education is about as close to watching your own daughter make the same mistakes as Carey Mulligan's Jenny as you can get without actually having a daughter. You will feel angry, sad, and frustrated, but it is worth it. An Education is a marvelous movie, elegant and poignant. It follows Jenny, a naive sixteen year old schoolgirl who feels stifled by her strict father (Alfred Molina) and her schooling. She wants to have fun, to listen to French music, and to attend nice concerts. When a charming, but older man named David (Peter Sarsgaard) happens upon her one day and offers her a ride, she is immediately smitten. He invites her to a concert, introduces her to all of his interesting friends, and promises to bring her to Paris with him. She knows that this is just what she needs and wants out of life...and even her parents, however intelligent they might be, are charmed by David, who has a way of making them agree to anything, usually by insisting that his Aunt Helen will be their chaperon. I'll give you a little hint; he doesn't have an Aunt Helen and, even if he did, I doubt she would be accompanying them on their overnight trip to Oxford. Alas, Jenny's parents fall for it hook, line, and sinker. Obviously, we know better. We know Jenny should be more cautious...but, then again, David isn't winking at us, is he?

Using His Gift With Grace

Nine

Directed By: Rob Marshall

Starring: Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, & Penelope Cruz

Nine is every bit as glitzy and glamorous as you might expect from director Rob Marshall. Based on the Tony-winning Broadway play of the same name, it is beautiful and utterly theatrical, giving its audience the feeling that they are sitting in the front row of a lavish stage production. Daniel Day-Lewis stars as Guido Contini, a brilliant film director facing a life crisis just ten days before the production of his new movie is set to begin. He has no script...no story...and no scheme for getting either. At the same time, he is conflicted by the many beautiful women in his life: his long-suffering wife, Luisa (Marion Cotillard); his desperate mistress, Carla (Penelope Cruz); his wise costume designer, Lilli (Judi Dench); a hotshot reporter named Stephanie (Kate Hudson); his muse and beloved star, Claudia (Nicole Kidman); and his deceased mother (Sophia Loren), who haunts him. Guido has created a complex web in his life, and Nine follows him as he reaches a crossroads that will make it impossible for him to continue living as he has for years. But, for a man who has always had everything and only ever wants more than what he has, the idea of losing something is enough to drive him crazy.

Hope in the Face of Unyielding Tragedy

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Directed By: Lee Daniels

Starring: Gabourey Sidibe, Mo'Nique, & Paula Patton

You can tell you are watching a great movie if, at the end, you realize that you never need to see another movie with a similar story. Sure, you'll watch them...but you don't need to see them, because you have already seen the best execution of that story imaginable. Such is the case with Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. Never again will I need to see a movie about an underprivileged inner-city teenager trying to overcome unimaginable adversity. Precious has told that story so well, that I am sure no future movie will ever be able to tell it quite as admirably. It is an emotional, devastating, and unrelenting movie that is courageous because of its unabashed determination to tell a story that needs to be told. It does not sugarcoat it and, for that reason, some viewers will not be able to handle it. But, I encourage all of you, even the most hesitant, to please try. The story is every bit as dark as you would probably suspect, but there is an unexpected element that, despite being often overshadowed by brutal scenes of abuse and heartache, remains firmly in place. In the midst of great tragedy, it can be hard to see or notice, but it is there and its presence is the reason Precious works so well. That element, my friends, is hope.